Consistency versus perfection

Since I last wrote, I’ve jumped back into the world of teaching, and what a time it’s already been. Within a week of opening, most of my sophomore classes were more than half empty due to students being out sick or on quarantine. Even with many teachers and staff wearing masks, the majority of our student body was not, leaving an air of hesitation and worry regarding how to best interact and teach throughout the day. I’d come home knowing I’d been enveloped in exposure and that I was consistently bringing that risk home to my husband and kids.

After the first month, the county’s numbers were so high, and it almost seemed inevitable that someone in the house was going to get sick. After a teacher from Silas’ daycare came back to work (even with her child still out from Covid), I decided to pull both boys from school. I didn’t see the point to accumulate more risk. While having to use my very few sick days, I still had no doubt that it was the safest decision for my family.

I’ll never understand local politics and how their influence has so much power over making decisions that should be for the safety of children, but I can admit that most middle TN counties care more about appeasing parents and pretending to carry on as if we are not still in a pandemic. At the end of the day, I can only control what my own family chooses to do.

Thankfully, both of my current administrators both have a value the importance of family, and neither of them once gave me any pushback on the decision I made. They were supportive, even in the midst of dealing with their own stressors in the situation. In the meantime, I tried to make the best out of the extra time at home with both kids.

During the course of the boys being out for that week, some people from the daycare did contract Covid (surprised?), leading the school to shut down for an additional week. During this time, I tried to keep the boys outside and active as much as possible. A couple days into things, I discovered that Silas felt really warm about mid-day. Half-way panicking, I became overly observant and began making calls to see what clinic would even be able to see him before the end of the day. Silas’ symptoms suddenly amplified, leaving him with a really high fever, extreme lethargy, complaining about body aches, and even being disoriented. By the time I got him to the clinic, I was having to hold a wailing child whose heart rate was alarmingly high and wouldn’t drop. We must have been there for a couple hours, before the doctor encouraged me to take him to the hospital, but he’d tested negative for everything, and my gut told me it was ok to just bring him home.

It took close to a week and seeing three doctors before we could get a proper diagnosis. By then, Silas was up consistently every night screaming and crying in pain. His body broke out in welts and then became covered in a horrible rash. The skin began to peel off and bleed from his hands and feet, and his toes were so swollen, I thought they’d burst in the middle of the night. At the end of the day, the diagnosis of hand foot and mouth disease made perfect sense; I just hated not knowing sooner, as we practically traumatized him by getting him tested for so many possibilities.

Silas is still gradually bouncing back. His skin is still healing, but we knew that could take several weeks. He's already started losing his fingernails, which is uncanny and disturbing. Furthermore, Silas has no comprehension as to what has even been happening to his body. Thankfully, no one else in the house managed to contract the virus (somehow), so we focused on being thankful for that!

Aside from the illness and stress that seems to surround our ever day lives, we’ve managed to still have full weeks and weekends, even celebrating Silas turning 3 years old! We launched a proper birthday party for him this year, inviting only those who we see regularly and who we trust in terms of keeping everyone healthy. Silas was elated with his birthday celebrations this year, and it seemed to be the first time he’s ever had such an awareness. We were thankful to be able to provide that for him.

It's hard to wrap my mind around the concept that he's already three years old. It's so true when people say that the days are long, but the years are short. I always find myself being eager for the next stage of his life and to see the type of person he will inevitably become. When I browse back at old photos of him, I can hardly swallow the fact that he's already so different than he was just a year or two ago.

On a similar note, Khai has grown in awareness and size as well. He’s in the 80th percentile for his height, and it definitely shows when he’s side by side with Silas. During my recovery period from surgery, Khai was able to bond and form a close attachment with Pete…so much that he genuinely reaches out for him even when he’s in my own arms. It’s not the first time I’ve been jealous over one of my child’s parental preferences, but their bond is something special to see.

Khai has also grown an attachment to his older brother! He is captivated by Silas' every move, and now that he is more mobile, he tries to follow in his actions and behaviors. I've always labeled Khai as being my chill, laid-back baby, but I can't help but wonder if Silas' erratic tendencies will eventually play a role into Khai's personality. Only time will tell!

One of my biggest struggles in the past few months of recovery has absolutely been feeling frustrated in regards to not being able to be as mobile and active with my family. I am now able to get up and down off the ground just fine and can even lift both kids. Any amount of direct pressure to my abdomen is still physically uncomfortable, and even exercising for 30 minutes makes my abdomen hurt for days. I’m thankful that my recovery is as far along as it is, but in the back of my mind, I still have this lingering worry that I’ll never fully recover or be the same as I was. That being said, I can’t help but look at Khai and think to myself how amazing he is and how he was worth every bit of this.

While Khai has been on a daddy kick, which shows no sign of changing, Silas has been the polar opposite: he’s all about his momma. YAY!! 😁 It felt like the first few months of Khai’s life brought me farther away from spending any one-on-one time with Silas, and I hated the feeling of missing him. Lately, we’ve completely shifted gears, and Silas has been enveloped in all ways of not only spending time with me, but helping me in any capacity he can! In the last couple months alone, he’s taken charge of helping me feed the animals in the afternoons. He genuinely collects their bowls, scoops an appropriate amount of food into each, and distributes everyone’s meals. In addition, he helps me find and collect eggs, gives everyone a wave or a hug hello, and has even helped me clean the chicken coops!

I’ve spent the last 3 years waiting for him to be at this age, it feels like. There’s some truly special about watching him WANT to be involved and to help. One day, Silas was outside helping me clean a coop. We’d gotten to the part where we were putting clean wood shavings down for the hens, when he all of a sudden started kicking it all up and just playing around. I got so frustrated that I said, “Stop it! I know you think you’re helping, but you're not.” I instantly felt bad. To my surprise, Silas snapped back, “Yes I am helping! I am, and you’re not being nice. I AM helping.”

I got down on my knees in front of him, hugged him, and immediately apologized. I told him he was, in fact, helping and that I loved his help. I explained that I’d gotten frustrated and that I loved having his help. He said it was ok and went on about his day chasing the birds and giving Finnley a belly rub. It was a much needed awareness that I have found myself often having to keep in check. I’ve gotten so used to Silas being unaware, ignorant, and just oblivious to even the conversations we have around him…I tend to forget that he’s now more aware than ever and ready to let you know.

Silas had a rough time adjusting to school last year right around the time of his second birthday. Since then, his maturity has grown leaps and bounds, leaving him to be more successful in school and as a working member of our home. Outside of the farm-related chores, Silas can be found helping me prepare dinner, giving Khai a bath, “reading” to Khai, or cleaning up. He’s been seeking out opportunities where he can make a choice, such as picking out his own pots and plants for his room. These desires are something I’m trying to foster as much as possible, and I do so by asking for his advice, offering him his own tools, or allowing for multiple options when I can. Either way, I’m IN LOVE with this new side of him.

With the holidays quickly approaching, I'm excited to be past the first hump of the school year and ready for proper holiday gatherings. While I'm typically stressed about all things that fall under the holiday season, I think being cooped up for over a year has made me appreciate these opportunities to spend with the family even more. Over Fall break this year, we started our adventure by venturing down to East TN to visit with Pete's family. While there, we decided it was the prime time to introduce Silas to Dollywood. While he's physically not tall enough for half of the attractions, we still managed to make a HUGE day of it!

Silas claims it was the best day of his life, and I truly believe this. He rode plenty of rides, got his face painted, ran around for miles, saw the bald eagles, mined for gemstones, and visited plenty of other attractions. I cannot wait to bring him back for more adventures, because despite it being overly crowded, it really was so much fun. And wouldn't you know, Khai was phenomenal, easy, and happy the whole time.

Upon our return back home, we visited with family who came into town, got doctor appts done (as you do over break), played a lot outside, carved pumpkins, completed various Halloween crafts, and even attended Honeysuckle's big Fall Festival. This was like a smaller version of Dollywood for Silas, although he got to see his BFF for this day.

With Halloween just around the corner, we plan on dressing both boys up and fully (Silas as Chase and Khai as a lobster) immersing ourselves in whatever safe festivities we can find. Both boys still go to bed relatively early, as we all wake up well before the sun even rises, so this limits what we can do near the end of the day. With the high school hosting a trunk-or-treat, we will most certainly take them there before hopping over to a nearby neighborhood. Silas hasn't ever been a big fan of candy or eating sweets; he's more into the process of acquiring everything or constructing things, so thankfully I don't have to fight too much over candy.

On a more personal note, Pete and I have been doing really well. Pete's a totally different person ever since starting his new job with BMI. It's amazing how events which seem difficult and devastating can also be some of the best experiences in terms of paving new pathways. With his new position, he's still able to work from home (for now), and he's able to be more present with the family outside of working hours. Instead of working 60+ hours a week just staring at a screen, he's done at 5pm each day without lingering work tying him back to the screen. His brain is free from work for the day; he can be present for dinner and tuck his kids in for bed at night.

With his new job, we've been in a better place in our marriage and in our family. Stress can do a number on one's family, and I'm glad we are on the other side of things. Having the opportunity to genuinely spend time together, especially after the kids have gone to bed and the chores are all done, is something I feel like we've both missed more than we like to admit. Life just fills up so fast that it's hard to make the time to just sit down and be present.

I know I've hardly mentioned the farm stuff, but we are still trucking along! We still only have just over ten hens right now, so the amount of eggs we collect each day can vary from zero to 5 or more. With the cooler temps creeping in, our chickens are staying closer to the barn and being more creative with where they are laying. We've gotten to the point where we are only selling eggs and meat to a select few people who buy from us regularly, and I'm glad that's how we've chosen to commit these last several months.

I do think we will ramp up our flock in the spring time. Tending to less than 100 chickens is a lot easier, but I do miss seeing our assortment of birds scattered across the yard like easter eggs. I didn't notice a huge difference in flies and mosquitos, because our guineas do such a phenomenal job with all that. We worked hard building a flock unique in their production, and our customer base was impressive for a while. What's funny is that none of us truly eat many eggs, but who can't appreciate them when they are so pretty?!

I still haven't been taking Khai out to the barn that much. Silas practically lived out in the barn with me when he was itty bitty, but with Pete being home, I have the luxury of leaving Khai inside while Silas and I run out real quick. When I do take Khai outside with us, he's a little overwhelmed by everything that he's seeing. He simply stares at the chickens running around and wants to latch on to the donkeys. Much like when Silas was a baby, the donkeys are enveloped in his presence. They want to stand over him as close as possible and often blow into his face, which is a universal sign of affection from a donkey.

As far as the pigs go, Finnley is still amazing, and yes, she still acts more like an outside dog than a pig. Kevin and Carla, however, were starting to have trouble with their mobility. I'd sometimes find them literally crawling on their front knees or laying down in the middle of the field more than normal. I felt guilty, because I hadn't spent much time out there trying to assess anything. As long as they were eating, I didn't find it urgent. Well, after learning that our original large animal vet had left the practice, we spent nearly three weeks looking for one who would be willing to do a farm call. Not many want to deal with pigs.

Eventually, we found someone (thanks, Marie!!) to come help. The issue stemmed from their hooves being overgrown, which is entirely my own fault. Before kids, I allotted as much time as necessary to tending to their every need. But in the last few years, those hours have dwindled down. Thankfully, this vet saw our call as a welcomed distraction from his usual house calls with horses. After some slight sedation and a good, deep trim, both pigs should now be on the upswing!

Then there's the dogs....

It's amazing that it hasn't even been close to a year that we've had Penny Pickles, yet she blends in so perfectly. When we first got her, she spent the majority of her time inside lounged up on the highest part of the couch. She was intimidated by the outside world and all the animals that would surround her in the yard. Nowadays, you can hardly get her to come inside...I'm not kidding! Penny is often perched on the front porch or chasing the hawks beside Bootes. At night, she makes her way the the couch for some evening cuddles and sandwiches herself between us at night.

Penny's favorite person in the whole world though is Khai....

I'm not sure what it is about animals that just know, but they do. We got Penny shortly after Khai was born, and she's been attached to him ever since. With his new awareness, he often seeks her out throughout the day. If he's nursing on the couch, she's right beside him on the pillow. If he's rolling around on the bed, she's cuddled up right beside him. If he's sitting on the floor with toys, she's sitting right beside him trying to catch all his drool with her kisses. 😆 Bootes seems to have truly enjoyed his new companion, and their difference in size is comical when they are out patrolling the property together.

While I know this has been an insanely long post, it's clearly been a minute since I've written. Last year wasn't as hard to keep up with any sort of a journal, because I wasn't committing my weekdays to anything other than being a mother and being pregnant. Nowadays, I find it hard to motivate myself to any additional commitment outside of working or taking care of the family. I have high hopes and goals to be a better person this coming year, especially in terms of health and exercise. I've just had a hard time truly "feeling good" about myself. I know the steps I need to take, whether they be subtle and large, but for now, I'm trying to be as present as I can be.

I'll leave ya'll with one last photo, although this time I've got nothing fancy or fluffy to say about it. I want to thank all of you who have consistently read, and continue to read, my blog throughout the years. I've always kept some digital form of journalistic writing, ever since I was in high school, but I haven't always left it open to the public. Whether it's through celebrating things I'm proud of or griping about temporary setbacks, having an online community that listens feels good to have on my side. So again, thank you.