Khai River

Anyone that’s seen me in the last few weeks, which is honestly very few, knows I wasn’t exactly been the most pleasant person to be around. My body was growing increasingly larger, making most activities just down right uncomfortable. Couple that will a stream of bad news and deaths in the family, and my headspace even began to cave in. While I do plan on addressing the passing of my grandmother and dog in a separate post, I want to focus on riding the wave of good that has recently happened for now. That being said, this post will be entirely dedicated to the birth of Khai.

When I went into labor with Silas, there was no denying what was happening. I knew instantly it was time, and I was a combination of excited and nervous the whole time. Unfortunately, his birth last all of 36 hours with an extremely uncomfortable and very long labor. While I was able to birth Silas naturally, I felt traumatized from the whole experience and even told Pete that would be the only kid he’d get from me. Haha! As the end of my pregnancy with Khai got closer to the end, I started to remember that labor and birthing him was obviously inevitable. I began to get anxious and even fearful of the big day.

Three weeks out, we got hit with that nasty snow and ice storm. What many of you didn’t know was this was also when I started to feel false labor, also known as prodromal labor. I’d have nights where I would literally start to feel timeable contractions for HOURS. I’d wake Pete up and let him know, text my doula and mother, and then sit up anxiously waiting to see what would evolve. Each morning, things would fizzle out slowly, and I’d be stuck in this weird headspace of feeling guilty for even saying anything at all and wondering what was going on with my body. I’d get checked by my doctor who confirmed I was already dilated to 4 cm, which was mind blowing. With Silas, it took me nearly 24 hours to dilate that much once labor hit! I kept thinking, “It’ll literally be any day now.” But each day came and went, and Khai still wasn’t here.

I’d had two straight nights of more intense contractions, so much that my mother was just staying at our house now in preparation of watching Silas for when we’d need to go to the hospital, but it wouldn’t be until Monday night at 1am when things would officially take off. Like every other night, I sat awake alone for hours feeling contractions. I got up and walked around, sat on the toilet for a bit, drank lots of water, and rolled from side to side trying to find a way to rest through them comfortably. By 5am, I finally said something to Pete who’d been sleeping. I asked him to go ahead and go feed the animals, because I wasn’t sure how fast things would pick up when they did.

That morning, I literally stayed in bed laboring while Karen, my mother-in-law, kept Silas entertained. Pete started working, just because we were so used to things dying off, so we didn’t want to get too excited. I had him make and bring me food and water, and I just tried to rest as much as possible. By 11am, I was still feeling contractions but told myself I needed to get up and make myself eat. I could see Silas swinging outside, so I made a plate of leftovers and sat at the table. I noticed I was moaning unintentionally a bit and that the food I’d made wasn’t appealing at all. I got up to make a smoothie instead, but upon opening the fridge door, I realized I needed to bend over the counter to work through the contraction. In fact, I knew I couldn’t make it into the garage to get ice. It was at this point that I thought, “Ok…I think this is really it.”

After telling Pete and getting one huge hug from Silas, we were out the door. For this birth, I’d been using an online course called hypnobabies for the last ten weeks, which entails listening to self-hypnosis tracks daily. I knew I needed to go ahead a start listening to my birthing day tracks the second we got in the car. Sure enough, everything picked up a notch on the 20 minute drive in, and my doula, Sandee was waiting for us upon arrival. I was so nervous about triage seeing me, because I was so scared they’d say it wasn’t time. Sure enough, they checked me, and I was already dilated to 6cm. I remember tilting my head back, crying, and asking, “This means I don’t have to go home?!”

I was admitted into the birthing center around noon. I was allowed to have both Pete and my doula Sandee with me. The birthing center is focused on those who intend to have natural births. They provide large birthing tubs and numerous birthing items, like yoga balls, birthing stools, a ladder, etc. The room looks like a large hotel room with a nice bed and dimmable lamps all around. Instead of being hooked up to monitors, their nurses come in every 15 minutes to monitor the baby’s heartrate through a contraction to make sure they are ok. All around, it was super laid back and less invasive than being in a regular room.

I spent the majority of my labor in the tub that was in the room. Pete and Sandee sat near and would occasionally present some water or offer a snack. I’d get out of the tub from time to time to pee, but I found it difficult to manage the contractions once gravity would hit. Dr. Norman, who also delivered Silas, was thankfully available this evening and came in to check me. I’d not dilated past 8cm, so she offered to break my water. This is something I had to do with my first labor, but I was hesitant, because I knew just how much things would pick up when she did do it. I initially turned down her offer, because I was trusting my body to do what it needed to do. Furthermore, I was frikin’ killing it working through my contractions so much that I could talk between each one still.

I remember turning to Sandee at one point and admitting how fearful I was of the end. She kept reassuring me that I was safe and that things would be ok. That’s really all I needed to hear, at least enough to give me courage to finally give the OK to them breaking my waters a couple hours later. I suppose it was around 7pm when they finally did, and by then, I’d made my way over to the bed. Within minutes, my contractions intensified. The part I’d be dreading the most was now enveloping me, but I was in a totally different universe in my head to even have a grasp on time anymore. For the next hour or so, I labored on my side and on my hands and knees. Being vocal and moving my arms/legs in rhythmic motions helped me work through each one. I could hear Sandee and Pete over my headphones telling me to relax my muscles, that I was safe, and that I was doing a good job. In my own head, I just kept hyping myself up by telling myself, “You’re a fucking warrior. You’ve got this.” The battle of forcing my body to be vulnerable to the experience was empowering.

The last leg of labor was spent rocking back and forth on my hands and knees. I could literally feel Khai moving down into my canal with each contraction. I didn’t know when it was time to push, but I kept hoping my body had finally dilated enough. Then, all of a sudden, I heard someone from behind me give me the go-ahead. I was awe-struck….I couldn’t believe I’d made it to the end, and now I had to find the strength to push him out! I’d had my hypnosis tracks playing the whole time up until this point, but I now tore them off and threw my headphones to the side. I couldn’t give enough energy being upright, so I laid on my side and began pushing. To be honest, the first two or three pushes were useless. I forgot how it felt to push a baby out, but they literally tell you to push through your butt. This doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, but the second I headed their advice, I heard words of praise and was asked for my hand, so I could feel his head!

Knowing I was at the end was so invigorating. I wanted him out of me so bad, that I gave every last ounce of my energy to the next few pushes, all with Pete laying beside me on the bed helping me. After about ten minutes, with one last HUGE push, Dr. Norman asked for my hands, and I was able to help pull him out and onto my chest. The pain stopped immediately, and all I could say was, “Oh my god,” over and over. I can’t describe jumping from a world of pain, fear, and deep vulnerability to one of immediate love, safety, and peace. I was in a state of shock; I couldn’t believe it was over. The ending was so euphoric, I just held my baby tight on my chest and felt immediate love and connection. I couldn’t believe Khai was now on the outside of me. Furthermore, I could hardly believe he was 8 lbs 3 ounces…over 2 lbs more than Silas was when he was born! My discomfort from the previous weeks now made a lot of sense to us all. Haha! In total, my labor lasted 15 hours.

After birthing my placenta, my doctor took a look at me, and to my amazement, she announced I didn’t need any stitches at all! With Silas, I needed two small ones, which were nothing to deal with, but tearing was a constant fear for me going into baby #2. I felt like I’d hit the jackpot! The birthing center is heavily focused on that immediate bonding time right after birth, so we were allowed to stay in that room for several hours just laying in bed bonding with Khai.

We ordered chicken fingers and fries and spent a lot of time just chatting with the nurses who helped us with delivery. They commended me and asked questions, as one was preparing for her own first natural birth. Sandee stayed beside us for several hours as we marveled at the events of the entire day and shared in the excitement of how completely perfect the whole event was. I kept telling everyone in the room that Khai’s birth was my redemption birth….nothing was similar to Silas’. It was a beautiful and empowering event that left me loving the strength of my own body more than I ever have, and the pride I felt was powerful. We later learned that there were over 30 births that day, but we were the only one who had a natural birth. It made me wish more women allowed themselves to share in the rawness that is pure childbirth.

After a little over a day in the hospital, we were able to come home and introduce Khai to his big brother. Their introduction was one of my favorite moments as a family, because I’d wondered how much Silas was ever really grasping about the pregnancy. To my surprise, he seemed to immediately understand who Khai was and that he was now outside of me and into the real world. He called him his baby brother and shouted in pure excitement and joy.

We are now living through all that is the time vortex that happens with a newborn. We are getting little sleep and are relearning how to find a whole new groove with juggling a newborn and a 2.5 year old. Thankfully, Khai has so far proven to be a super chill baby, a stellar eater, and a master pooper. Silas is adjusting about as well as we could hope for, and Pete and I are just trucking along!

I’d nearly forgotten how much all the feels flood you when dealing with a newborn, but having a toddler running around provides such depth into the whole concept of raising kids. On one hand, I get to observe one child whom we’ve dedicated our whole life to for over two years. And then we have this itty-bity one week old who has his whole life ahead of him. I know nothing about what he will end up looking like, how he will act, what interests he will have, what his favorite foods will be, or how similar he may be to his brother. But knowing I get to observe and nurture another tiny human while watching him grow into his own self is the most incredible miracle.